Fear/Safety, Perfectionism/Love

I’m working on updating my website, setting up a newsletter, and other marketing bits for my soft launch this month.

It’s inducing a lot of anxiety, panic, and fear in me.

So much so that I couldn’t focus the last two work days that I had set aside precisely just for this work. It dragged me down over the weekend.

I spent my Sunday and this morning re-centering. I got all my little small tasks done, the ones I could so easily distract myself with. I read and went to bed early. Woke up early, journaled, exercised, drank water, and meditated.

The sensation of fear is still there, but much quieter now. I have space now to approach it with perspective. How can I approach this with excitement and a sense of playfulness?

This is not the end of the world. This launch has been something I’ve wanted for so long, and also put off due to perfectionism. Everything is not going to be just right, and that is okay.

What is underlying the fear and the perfectionism? A bid for love and approval. I learned that I have to achieve, to be the best in order to be accepted, to be loved, to belong. And I had to do it on my own, a strong, independent woman.

I’ve done a lot of work to let go of the fear and perfectionism, but its still there in unhealthy amounts. I’m writing about this to give it some light and air, hoping that sharing openly, removes the shame and lets it heal even a tiny bit more.

I wish I didn’t have these critical voices of perfectionism and fear. I will never stop pushing my edge or taking risks in life — that is where I find meaning in life. Healing these critics would help me live a fuller, more meaningful life.

Intellectually I know that we are all inherently worthy of love and belonging. My mind knows that everything could fail, and the people that love me now would still keep loving me.

And still, I’m working on finding that sensation of safety inside my body.

Ultimately this means working on giving myself the love, acceptance, and belonging I need.